08 December 2013

Behind These Brown Eyes

I don't talk very much about my life on this blog, because I don't know if I should care that no one would read it. I got to thinking that I really shouldn't care, because this is my blog, where I share all my thoughts, what I love, what I don't love, and just all around random things that I want to share. So here goes: My update.

I haven't really been into blogging much lately. The reason for that being some things going on at home that have gotten me down so much. You may have seen me tweeting some things about finding a home and my mother. I don't have the world's greatest mother. She's not really any kind of mother to me. I'm more of the abnormal black hyena in a family full of white sheep. My mother hates me, I think, and I can feel it, everyone knows it. Since I was around 9 years old, she's told me over and over again how stupid and ugly I am. She just puts up with me, because she has her claws on my firstborn, who is 9 years old. She won't let him go, and I can't take him from her. Why? Not sure. Why do I even care about her? Again, not sure. I shouldn't. She's the reason for my 15 years of depression, and the reason I question my reason for living most days. I should just take him and my family and leave. But... I can't. Not right now. Hopefully one day I can.

I've been looking into finding a home for a while now, but the problem is...well, there are a lot of problems going on with that situation. For now, I'm stuck at home, and I'm trying to make the most of it, because that's all I can do. We stay in a room that was half-filled with my mom's dusty junk that she didn't want me to touch, because she's OCD like that. So we moved it out of our room after over a year of it being in here. Let's just say she wasn't happy about that. I hid in the room for most of the day so that I wouldn't have to deal with her crap. But I had to go to the bathroom at some point... When I finally emerged from my sanctuary, of course, she had to display her annoyance with what I had done. Yeah, mom. Sorry, I just wanted to make space for my little baby's crib. You know, space that isn't crawling with dust and gross..stuff.

Anyway, that's my mother. She's horrible, but I don't hate her, for some reason. I guess I'm just not meant to be a hateful person. I wish I was sometimes.

Sorry about the depressing post, to anyone who has read it. I'll try to get back to more interesting things, I promise. :)

Take care, you guys! <3
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